THE TEN MOST POSITIVE AND HEALTHY CONVERSATIONS TO HAVE IN 2021
Welcome to 2021. Here are the 10 conversations we should be having so it can start looking less like 2020.
Well, it’s been a week. And all signs are pointing to some more weeks ahead. Sadly, we know it is the agenda of many politicians and news outlets to keep us feeling fearful and anxious as it keeps us tuned in and constantly refreshing our news feeds. And certainly that is what has been happening in this country. The problem though is that fear and anxiety never let us see beyond the current moment or map out where we want to set our course. Constantly exposing our brain to terrible things simply primes our brain to keep noticing terrible things around us. In light of that, I thought we’d spend some time talking about what kind of conversations we should have in 2021. The kind of talking that will allow us to make the coming year the dawn of the new age we need.
What follows is a relentlessly positive list of 10 conversations we should be starting right now as we launch into the New Year.
1. Conversations That Motivate: It’s the new year and we’re still tired from the old one. So, what can we do that will motivate us, our family, and our teams? One thought; make predictions as a group about the year ahead except there is only one rule…you can’t mention politics or the pandemic. Doing a small exercise like this instills hope, optimism, and at the very least, curiosity and excitement about the year ahead. We tend to mistake motivation for big moving speeches and long self-help books (ironic) but you can start small. Start with a hunch, many times deep motivation starts with small and hopeful moves in the direction of curiosity and excitement.
2. Conversations Where You Forgive: You don’t even have to have the conversations out loud but maybe there’s someone in your life you feel has really hurt you. And while you may not want to call them up, (offering forgiveness can be perceived as condescending) maybe you can forgive them in private. Perhaps write their name down and what you forgive them for on a small post-it and then go tie it to a tree in a similar vein to how the Japanese will often tie a wish for the year into a tree as a symbolic gesture and first step towards improvement. Remember this forgiveness is about letting go of something that isn’t serving you anymore.
3. Conversations About Wishes: Speaking of…It’s ok to let yourself make a wish this year but for this one, don’t keep it to yourself or tie it in a tree. Instead, speak it out loud. The more people you tell, the more people who are out there trying to help you make that wish happen and that’s a good thing. Even more, be sure to ask people about their wishes for the New Year. It helps intention set you with your friends and align your aspirational compasses. Here’s my wish: that we would spend the next year relentlessly talking about the conversations that were hard but that somehow we navigated for the better.
4. Conversations That are Welcoming: Welcome someone into your life. We found a new cat on our window ledge that just seems to like sleeping in the sun and I welcomed him with a little finger tap which I’m actually not so sure they liked. (I admit, some of the hardest conversations I’ve had are with cats.) But there are others around you who need your welcoming: a new child, a new neighbor, someone just entering the country for the first time. If we make this a year of welcoming conversations how much fuller will our life be. If you endeavored to have just one welcoming conversation a week, at the end of this year you will have more than 50 new friends, people, experiences, and connections than you had in 2020. This isn’t just good advice it’s science. Several studies have shown that new friendships increase our sense of belonging, purpose, and self-satisfaction while staving off disease, depression, and stress while helping us better cope with trauma.
5. Conversations with Kids: Read Fran Lebowitz on this. Everything I ever learned about talking to kids I got from one essay by her. A good first question is “Have you thought about what you want to be when you grow up?” This boy on North Haven I know wants to be a vet or a teen detective (I can get behind both those.) Another young boy I know in Oakland is designing his first capsule collection. I think I know some fashion designers who can give him a leg up in the industry. Maybe Kay Unger? I was chatting with my 2-year-old quasi-god-daughter who mostly just says “Kamala Harris” or “RGB” so I’m guessing politics or law for her. (I’m a little on the fence on that one, but I’m there for her.)
6. Conversations with Someone You’ve Lost: Lost can mean a lot of things but I’m mostly thinking of people who have died. I still have conversations with my great grandmother sitting on the wooden swing out in the back yard where she would tell me stories. I feel like I’ve been talking with her quite a bit this year. I know the day she died I opened the door out into the blinding sun and a warm breeze whooshed through me. I suddenly smelled roast beef (she was always roasting beef) and I heard her whisper the word “honey” (her nickname for me). She was speaking to me then and has been ever since.
7. Conversations About Nicknames: Nicknames are great because they let you, or someone else you love try out a different persona for a while. The right nickname can help motivate us, inspire us, or just reframe a moment when we feel stuck. As I just mentioned, my great-grandmother called me Honey which I needed at the time, my great-grandfather called me Foxy. (I had red hair and to this day the fox is my spirit animal.) My grandfather called me Hollywood which I realized was a way to acknowledge that I was gay because for him actors were obviously just…gay. But what’s a nickname that might help you now. Scout as you look for your future? Buck if you need to feel tough? Lovey if you need to feel loved or give love? Find secret names for yourself or each other that give new life to an aspect of your personality that needs a boost.
8. Conversations about a Secret: Get it off your chest. It helps. I remember telling my best friend (who also happened to be gay) that I too was gay. I remember sobbing and sobbing while he sat and said nothing. Instead, he just cuddled and held me (it wasn’t at all sexual). I remember this experience so vividly because although no words were spoken, it was the only conversation we needed to have in that moment. I felt lucky that I had someone safe I could share that secret with. In a way, it reminded me of Wong Kar Wai’s In the Mood for Love, where the main character speaks about how whenever his ancestors would have a secret they didn’t want to share, they would go up into the mountains, find a tree with a hole in it, whisper their secret into the tree and then cover the hole with mud. I’m not suggesting you go that far. But if there is no one you feel safe enough to tell a secret to, your dog or a tree is a good substitute.
9. Conversations From Your Past. This past weekend I suddenly got the urge to call an old friend of mine from college who I had not spoken to in a long while. She was a talented artist and still a friend on Instagram so I sort of knew how she was in a roundabout internet way, but I suddenly got this feeling that we just needed to talk. We talked for maybe 20 minutes. I introduced her to my husband who is a new and emerging artist and it prompted her to share that she had been thinking of a life change and possibly coming back to making art again. We reminded her of all the wonderful work she had done, how talented she was, and I realized how much I wanted her back in my life. The subconscious part of our brain is always ruminating, shuffling, and cataloging unfinished conversations, or old connections that need reigniting. When that inspiration comes, listen to it.
10. Conversations With a Hero: Heroes are people too. They need encouragement every once in a while. Sometimes when I read a book I love, I’ll just email the author to express my thanks, and more often than not, they reach back. Right now people are reaching out to me and I’m trying to respond back because I feel so much gratitude that they even bother to care what I think, let alone reach out to tell me so. This expression of appreciation from them inspires me to pay it forward however best I can. For me, artists are my personal heroes so I will confess here that I reached out to Anthony Goicolea late last year and he wrote back offering me a studio tour anytime in Brooklyn, and…wait, I’m in Brooklyn right now. Gotta go!
